


love will keep you up all night

by DoctorSyntax



Category: Castle
Genre: Coda, Episode: s04e12 Dial M for Mayor, Established Relationship, F/F, Rape Aftermath, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-16 02:11:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5809684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorSyntax/pseuds/DoctorSyntax
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That story Gates told about her patrol partner is twenty-five years old, and a lot has changed since then, but it's something that will never truly go away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	love will keep you up all night

The apartment already smells like sausage and peppers when she gets home—the one perk of working late is that it means she doesn't have to cook dinner. Allison comes up to her as she's taking off her jacket and shoes, gives her a kiss on the cheek. "Dinner in five."

"Smells good. I told a story about you at work today," Gates mentions, offhandedly, like she's not about to change the mood of the entire evening. But she'd made a promise years ago to tell Allison every time she talked about the incident, and she's going to keep it.

"Yeah? Which one? The one about the balloons in our squad car and—" Allison stops short, head tilted to the side. Realization softens her eyes to a light brown. "Babe. You didn't." 

"Just in the context of why I went to IA," she elaborates, feeling guilty. Allison's not upset, but still Gates feels like she's walking on broken glass. "Not everything. Not your name, not _us_. I just needed Beckett to understand why I kept pushing her to drop her bias."

"Oh, right. The case with the mayor?"

"I don't know _what_ you're talking about."

"Oh, yes, because you would never bring your work home." The snark is familiar, but distracted. She watches Allison wind one blonde curl around her index finger, twirling over and over, a nervous habit she used to do so often Gates almost picked it up herself.

She eyes Allison meaningfully. "Just the once, and look how that turned out."

Allison's finger disentangles from her hair so she can whack Gates lightly. Good. "Watch it, or you'll be sleeping on the couch." Playful warning lights her expression.

"As if you'd make me."

And if Allison's a little quieter than usual during dinner; if later Gates catches her staring off in the distance instead of watching the movie she, Allison, had insisted they put on; if she snuggles Gates extra-close on the couch, well. It's nothing that needs pointing out, just strong, silent support.

Gates can handle that. She's had enough practice, over the years.

In fact, Allison's silent, broody thing is so familiar she's not expecting the conversation to pick back up again. But that night, Allison locks up and then turns off all the lights in the house, crawling into bed next to her, curling her body around her. It's all par for the course, until Allison sighs. "I still believe in the badge, you know," she says, drowsy.

And it's not like Gates didn't know that, but Allison's never said it out loud. Not once, in all the years since. "I know."

"Detective Beckett, she's your best?"

Gates stares up at the ceiling. "Yeah."

"Then justice will prevail."

Gates doesn't know quite what to say to that, so she stays quiet for a moment. "This case… no matter what we do, it's going to be a mess. There are no good options—and we shouldn't even have to be careful like this. Copwork isn't supposed to be a political negotiation."

Allison shifts, pressing a kiss to Gates's shoulder. "Sometimes you have to pick your battles, though. For the greater good."

It's the last thing in the world Gates expected her to say. "How can you say that, when picking battles ruined your life?"

Allison pushes herself up to stare Gates in the eye; she's looking at Gates like she's never seen her before. "Don't say that. Don't you _ever_ say that." 

She hasn't heard Allison this adamant about something in a long time, and it's straight out of left field. No part of this conversation has gone as expected, and it boggles the mind that she could be with Allison for twenty-five years and still not understand. "But it's true."

"No, it's not," she insists. "But suppose I had gotten justice. Suppose… Sarge got kicked off the force, and I never left. We stayed partners. My life would have been so different, and I'm not so sure it would have been better."

Gates begins to huff out a protest, and Allison stops her with the soft grip of warm fingertips on her chin. "That's not understanding, babe, and it's sure as hell not forgiveness. But I've made my peace with what he did to me and what it did to my life. Sure, some days I miss being a cop, but I love being a firefighter, and I never would have known that if I hadn't left the force. And I know you never would have told me how you felt about me if we'd stayed partners. So I got that. I got a career I love and I got you, the silver lining in all of this crap, and don't you _dare_ say my life wasn't worth living because of what he did to me."

"I never said that, Allie," she argues, feeling faintly wrongfooted. Because everything Allison just said, she knows. She's known it all along. But some days it still seems so fresh. Telling Beckett the abridged version—a single sentence!—was still enough to dredge up old memories, clear and painful like it happened last week instead of half a lifetime ago. She was only present for the aftermath, but in her fifty years on earth it was the worst night she's ever lived through, and she knows the only thing that could ever beat it is Allison's death.

"You didn't mean to, but you did," Allison tells her. "You either believe in the system or you don't. I do, and I know you do too. Sarge was just a man, and the badge is so much bigger than that. I'm proud of what you did in IA, and I'm proud of what you're doing now." Allison sighs, shifting. But she's shifting toward Gates instead of away, stroking her thumb over Gates's collarbone and cuddling back into her body. "All I'm saying is, you can win the war without winning every battle. Take it a day at a time."

She just pulls Allison closer. It's a long time before she sleeps.


End file.
